Retreating to Mindfulness

If you were on the UBC campus a few weekends ago, you may have seen over a hundred people slowly streaming out of the Asian Centre eyes lowered and placing each step deliberately. This was not the early arrival of zombies for Hallowe’en. I know because I was among them, and I’m very much alive and mindful of that.

We were all there for a weekend meditation retreat led by Diana Winston, director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center. The book, “Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfulness” which she co-authored with Susan L. Smalley outlines the scientific evidence and practical application of mindfulness meditation.

At our retreat, organized by the Westcoast Dharma Society, we practiced meditation while standing, walking, eating and sitting (on a chair, meditation bench or a meditation cushion called a zafu). Meditation is the practice of focused attention or concentration. Depending on your practice, you can meditate upon an idea, an image or a mantra, such as the word, Om. In mindfulness meditation, we focus on what arises in the present moment.

When we first learn to meditate while sitting, we focus our concentration on each breath in and each breath out, noting the sound and sensations in different parts of the body. We can then shift our attention to other physical sensations: heat or cold, pressure, tension or pain.

With further practice, we become aware of thoughts and emotions as they arise. We train our minds to remain in the present moment – rather than getting stuck in the past or projected into the future. We recognize when our minds are carried away in a train of associations or our thoughts snowball out of control, and with practice we remain in the present.

A strong foundation of mindfulness can serve as a safe anchor from which we can experience and manage challenging emotions and physical pain. For example, we can move our awareness and focus back and forth from the anchor of mindful breathing to an area of pain or a difficult emotion, such as sadness, anger or fear.

In walking meditation, we first learned to attend to the sensations in our feet and legs as we took deliberately slow, controlled steps. As we sped up, we noted the subtle changes in our sensations. In standing meditation – a good alternate to sitting when you think you might fall asleep, we recognized that we are in constant motion even as we try to stand still.

In a mindful eating exercise, I shared lunch with my friend and med school classmate, John but we couldn’t talk according to the rules of the retreat. By remaining conscious of each bite of my sandwich, apple and pear and every grape, I noted sensations and subtleties of taste that I normally would have missed. It took me 40 minutes to eat a lunch I would usually wolf down in 10, but my appetite was satisfied with less food. I’ll be recommending slow, mindful eating to all of my patients who are challenged by their hearty appetites.

Though many people think of meditation as something that is done only in solitude while seated on a zafu, mindfulness is meditation in motion. With the deepening of practice, mindfulness becomes the attitude with which we can live every moment of our lives, as we learn and work, talk and relate to others, and experience being alive, having thoughts and feeling emotions.

An insight arises in the practice of mindfulness where the focus of our attention is whatever arises in the present – a moving target. Everything changes and everything is in motion – everything in our world, everything in our selves, including our thoughts, emotions and bodies.

My favourite place for walking meditation was the Nitobe Memorial Garden, a gem of a Japanese garden hidden behind the Asian Centre. It reminded me of the beauty that is all around us every day that we may miss if we are not mindful.

Dr. Davidicus Wong is a family physician and his Healthwise columns appear regularly in the Burnaby Now, Vancouver Courier, Royal City Record and Richmond News. 

Did you win the lottery?

I have a funny habit of buying the occasional lottery ticket and not checking the numbers, knowing full well that winning tickets are worthless after one year.

Lotteries foster magical thinking. We like to dream. What would you do with an extra $1000, $10,000 or $100,000? What would you do with a million dollars?

Those really big numbers both delight and confuse us. We forget about the teeny tiny numbers – like our odds of actually winning.

Lotteries can be a tax on the poor. As a kid, I remember seeing desperate looking people spending $20 or more for the improbable chance of winning big and improving their lives.

The feeling of imagining winning really is enjoyable and to some it can be an addiction. That magical feeling and the optimistic thinking that goes along with it instantly deflate when we’ve found out we’ve lost. That’s probably why I wasn’t keen on checking my soon to be unlucky numbers.

Even if you don’t buy lottery tickets, you’re still a player in the big lottery of life.

There’s the genetic lottery, the random mix up of genetic traits you acquired from your mom and dad. If your parents don’t look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, you probably don’t look like either of them.

You got half your genes from each parent, but those genes were randomly distributed to you and any siblings. Nature may have thrown in a number of mutations, and this all makes you a complete individual.

Your unique genetic makeup, the events of your life, your childhood and your relationships are yours alone through chance, serendipity, karma or divine intervention. You may not think of these as prizes but they are.

If you knew you had just one year, one month or one week left of life, what would you do with this time? How would you use the gifts you have been given?

With your limited time remaining, who would you call? What would you say? Who would you spend time with? Where would you go? What would you do?

The reality is that our lives are limited. Though we live each day with an assumption of immortality, we won’t live forever, and because of this, we limit ourselves. We don’t take stock of what we have when we have it and this is what limits us most.

You have a unique potential in your life today. It is worth much more than the lottery ticket in your pocket and certainly more than the old ones in your drawer.

Life is a lottery but most of us don’t realize what we have won. Check your winnings now and spend them while you can. Look at your talents. What useful skills come easily to you? What can you improve and refine with practice?

Look at your relationships. What can you do to appreciate and strengthen those connections? Is there anything important left unsaid? In what ways can you express your love?

Look at the positive potential of each day. What small thing can you do to make someone else’s day? Who in need can you help? What great things can you do with your life?

You are already a winner. Share your special gifts with others.

A Hundred Days to Happiness #46: What I Learn From My Dad

My dad has taught me the most about the art of living, and even though I think I’m grown up, he continues to teach me how to be a better father and how to be happy.

My dad never ever lectured me. In fact, every time he tried to tell us a story, we couldn’t resist asking him to get on with it. So he didn’t bother giving me the talk about the birds and the bees. Instead, Mom and Dad left adequate reading material in the house, and I didn’t have any questions left to ask.

Dad did teach me the manly arts of changing tires, putting on chains, replacing engine oil, using every tool in the workshop and doing the yard work, but he taught me the most important things by example.

My dad only made me feel guilty by being the better man. When my son put a dent in my car, I couldn’t allow myself to get mad, because when I rolled and totaled my first car, all my dad cared about was that my girlfriend and I were alright.

When my kids need my help at an inconvenient time, I never complain because Dad never did.

Be present for your wife and family. Growing up, I always knew where my dad was. He was either at his office or at home. He was never out with the boys. He didn’t drink, smoke, gamble or do anything he wouldn’t want us to do.

He did everything with us. He was always available to talk or to help. He would drop everything to give us a ride.

Live according to your values. My dad always said what he meant. He would ask us to return gifts he didn’t need. This made him the hardest person for whom to buy a present, but we’d always know the truth.

My parents didn’t tell me to what to do for a living. They just wanted us to do honest work.

Enjoy the simple pleasures in life. My dad continued to enjoy fireworks, parades and the PNE long after we became teenagers and lost interest. He still loves those simple pleasures.

My dad continues to enjoy a good meal. He still shares the details of his best meals – from 60 years ago to yesterday. He still enjoys every bite.

Don’t act your age. My dad never profiled or pidgeon-holed other people. He doesn’t judge others by their age, education or appearance, and he never used age as a reason to be any different or act any different from who he is.

He told me that we should keep on working as long as we’re having fun. Though he was still having fun, he had to retire two years ago when his office lease expired. Some landlords can be such party poopers.

Remember the positive. My grandfather died when my dad was a toddler. Dad grew up during the depression in the poverty of Cumberland’s Chinatown in an age of racism, but whenever he spoke of the past, there was never bitterness.

He remembers happiness: the joys of his childhood, good times with old friends, the kindness of others and his love with my mom.

Work hard but be generous. My dad worked hard. He worked to support his mom and family, to pay for his mechanics courses, and to pay for his university education. He taught us to work hard and to do our best by example.

With my mom, dad gave me a gift that he wasn’t given: a home full of music, humour, literature and love. It’s a legacy that I strive to pass on to my children.

How Do You Think About Your Past and Future? How Does It Influence Your Experience of the Present?

At an inspiring workshop last weekend, clinical psychologist, Dr. Lee Pulos spoke about how our beliefs about the past and future influence our enjoyment of the present. He showed us how visualization of a positive future is a key to success in life.

Dr. Pulos is an expert on success. He’s presented motivational seminars to many organizations and businesses, counselled elite athletes and served as sports psychologist to world class teams.

In our conventional thinking, we see our present as the consequence of the past. That’s how most of us see reality: who we are and what we have are the products of our past experiences and actions.

He explained how the future really creates the present.

There are many potential futures. The most successful people have acquired the habit of setting ambitious goals for themselves. They visualize a positive future that is clear and compelling.

This provides a blueprint and the motivation to move towards that positive vision, and that future will become our present.

He asked us to imagine ourselves as passengers on a grand and bountiful cruise ship. On board we have a wealth of interesting people, a variety of entertainment and a vast choice of food to enjoy. We can hop off the ship at every shore and enjoy the beauty and culture of destinations around the world.

But many of us tow behind us a barge loaded with junk from the past.

The weight of that junk slows us down and prevents us from sailing forward. When we ruminate – recycling the same old thoughts about our most negative experiences, we actually spend more time on that rusty old barge of the past while we could be enjoying what is present on the grand cruise ship.

As you sail through your life, how much time do you spend enjoying cruising through the present? How much time are you spending on the rusty old barge of the past? Do you need to hop off the barge, cut off the line and set free the old useless junk of the past? That can be one way to set your self free to enjoy more fully the present.

Are there negative experiences in the past you keep rehashing? By replaying the same scenes over and over again, we bring the past back into the present. It becomes a habit of thought that prevents you from seeing yourself, others and your world any differently. It contracts your vision and therefore limits your capacity for happiness and success.

Too often we replay negative soundtracks from the past. Listening to the oldies is nice if that puts you in a positive mood, but too often the negative words you heard in the past can become the monologue of negative self-talk in the present, feeding feelings of misery, inadequacy, victimhood and anger. None of this enriches your present or empowers you to work for a better future.

You can’t change the past, but you can choose your thoughts – how you think of your past and how much time you choose to spend there while actually living in the present. Look around and enjoy what is good and be mindful and kind to the people in your life today before they drift off into your past.

#36 The ABCs of Health and Happiness

The ABCs of Health and Happiness Davidicus Wong

Accept responsibility for your own health. Be active. Create happiness for yourself and others. Don’t drink to excess. Eat a healthy diet. Follow your bliss. Greet each day with gratitude. Help yourself to happiness by helping others. Identify your strengths. Jump at every opportunity to make someone else’s day. Kickstart each day by counting your blessings. Love unconditionally; we are all human and worthy of being loved. Mind your thoughts; they shape your moods. Nurture healthy relationships. Open your heart and mind. Project inner peace. Quit smoking. Respect your body. Smile and see the beauty in your world, in others and in yourself. Transform every problem into a positive goal. Understand that it takes a village to care for a village; everyone matters. Visualize your goals. When feeling rushed, wait for your mind and body to move together. Exude passion. Yield to your better and wiser self. Zestfully embrace this day.

Thankfulness . . . the healthiest attitude

Central Park, Burnaby

The way you look at your life at this moment can determine your future health and happiness.

How you habitually think has great bearing on your performance at school or work, your physical health, your emotions and your relationships.

If you see yourself as a powerless victim of life, you lose your confidence and sense of control. This leads to anxiety.

If your focus is on what is wrong in your life, you’ll no longer see what is good. This is the perspective of depression.

An attitude more conducive to your wellbeing is gratitude.

Contrary to popular opinion, thankfulness is not a function of what you have or a luxury when life is good. Lasting and authentic happiness doesn’t come when everything is perfect because it never is or when it seems to be, it doesn’t stay that way. In an imperfect world, we can still be happy.

We say that pessimists see the cup as half empty and optimists see it half full. With the perspective of wanting, we see what we don’t have and we get what we expect – more of less and more wanting. Happiness is not in the cards with the half empty attitude.

Pessimists may think that optimists are deluded. The cup is really not half full, and in a sense they may be right. Water is not static just as neither our selves nor anything in life is unchanging.

People come in and out of our lives, love comes in many forms and the gifts we are given are gifts in trust; we hold them for a moment and pass them on. Everything is fleeting, flowing and in flux.

Gratitude allows us to appreciate what we have been given in the past – the good that we have experienced, the way we were loved and the lessons we have learned. It allows us to see and appreciate ourselves, others and our world just as they are at this moment. It can allow us to see and create a positive future, the realization of potential.

When my children were young, I would make up a new story each bedtime. In the tale of the “Daily Fairy”, a child is befriended by a beautiful fairy who has nothing but love to give in her short life which lasts just one day. Rather than grieving her impending loss, the child learns to appreciate the gift of her fairy’s one sparkling day.

We and everyone around us are like the daily fairy – flowers in bloom today.

Take stock of what you have this day. There are seeds and flowers. Be grateful for the flowers you see today and recognize that in your hands are the seeds for the future.

When you turn your problems into goals – reframing the negative into positive, you begin to create a more positive future. You are no longer a victim of chance. You empower yourself. You see golden opportunities and you seize them. You plant seeds for future happiness.

Today, appreciate the flowers that now bloom in your life and give thanks for flowers past. Recognize the seeds in your life, and ask, “What can I do today to create happiness tomorrow?”

A Hundred Days to Happiness #85: Appreciation – Enjoying What You Have Today

The seventh attitude in Rick Foster and Greg Hicks book, “How We Choose to Be Happy: the 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People: Their Secrets, Their Stories” is appreciation – “the choice to appreciate your life and the people in it and to stay in the present by turning each experience into something precious.”

I’ve written of the joys of being a parent and the special gift of seeing the world anew through the eyes of a child. We all start off living in the moment and being fully present in the here and now.

How much easier it is as a young toddler when the entire span of your past memories extends over two or three years. The clock ticks slowly, 5 minutes of sitting still feels like hours and a summer seems to last a lifetime.

As we grow up and grow older, we accumulate a past. Our minds return to that past, cherishing the good old times, rehashing our worst experiences, recalling past hurts, regrets and losses. The past can hold us back from enjoying the present, and the more time we spend preoccupied with the past, the more we lose out on the present, which soon slips into the past – another moment lost.

Along with the responsibilities of adulthood, come worries, and our anxieties again draw us away from the present and into the imagined future. This becomes another distraction from the enjoyment of the present.

We live in the present, and we can only be happy in the present.

Your happiness exercise: Appreciate the gifts in this day. You will never again be as young as you are today, but don’t waste a moment worrying about it; rejoice in your “youth”! Do today, what you may not be able to do tomorrow.

Appreciate the people you love in your life today. Leave nothing important unsaid. It doesn’t hurt to say “I love you” again. Spend more time with the people you love to be with, and don’t waste one moment arguing about something that won’t make a difference a year from now.

Today, resolve to be as present as possible as you create memories that you will cherish in the future.

A Hundred Days To Happiness: Time With A Child

Time can stand still when you’re present with a child.

On the beach, I made a sand castle with my two nieces, and I was as much within the playful, creative process as they were.

Young children naturally become engrossed in play – a state of mindfulness. They lose their sense of time. They are absorbed in the present moment.

Building a sand castle with a child may be the most effective form of meditation. Not worrying about creating something that will last forever (Sand castles are always washed away), all your senses are engaged in play for the sake of play, fun for the sake of fun.

Think of the texture of sand between your fingers and the warmth of the sun. Enjoy the senseless silly talk between a playful grownup and a child. Appreciate the joy of living fully in the present and feeling fully connected to life.

Of course, since your normal state of awareness is suspended, you need another grownup – such as a mom – to remind you when it’s time to have lunch or reapply sunblock.

We all need a time out from our usual grownup way of being. If you have a young child in your life, give yourself a treat by playing together – playing catch, making a puzzle, drawing pictures or playing in the park – and staying fully present.

Your happiness exercise for today: Make time for play today. Think of your favourite games or toys as a child. What engaged you the most? What were you able to do for hours at a time? Might those same activities engage you now and bring you into the present moment?

If you can, spend some time fully present in conversation and play with a child you know. They don’t have any special training, and that may be why young children can be the best therapists.

A Hundred Days to Happiness: Happiness is Being in the Presence of a Child

Happiness is being in the presence of a child.

I love the days that I get to drive my daughter to school. I rush home from my morning swim to make her favourite breakfast and wake her up with a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Her smile makes me smile.

My kids always had a way to bring me more fully into the present, and because of that, my memories – of days at the zoo, towing them in my bicycle trailer, teaching them to skate, to swim and ride without training wheels, pushing them on swings and catching them at the bottom of slides – remain vividly real to me.

These experiences in my children’s presence remain in my heart and remind me of the joy of living.

I love chatting with my daughter en route to school. No matter what wisdom I try to impart, she is always teaching me something new . . . or reminding me of something I once knew but had forgotten.

Last week, thinking of my busy day ahead, I said to her, “You’re so lucky to be a kid!”

“What do you mean?” she asked from the back seat. “You’re a grownup! You get to drive a car, and you can go wherever you want.”

I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. She was right again.

“You can eat whatever you want” she added, “and go shopping all by yourself.”

After I dropped her off, she thanked me and wished me a happy day. Knowing I could drive wherever I wanted, I chose to go to work anyway, and I did have a happy day.

Your happiness exercise: be in the presence of a child, be fully present and see your world from a child’s perspective.